i love buying new journals and new books. i love the crisp pages, the new book smell. i love the blank pages of journals excitedly awaiting first words and new memories.
i love the new year because that's how i feel about all the days yet to be written and filled with new adventures and events soon to be reminisced.
people ask me what my new year's resolutions are. my resolution from last year was to love and laugh more with my family, that's it, that was the only one. and as i looked back at all the photos taken, i think i did a pretty fair job. there were many changes this past year and many opportunities for me to exercise love and patience, many opportunities for me to find the humor in challenging situations. there were times i was excellent at being a loving mother and wife. and there were times i cringe at and think what a crappy job i did. but, that's to be expected. the point is, during the really challenging times, like when my toddler broke the child-proof door locks and escaped the house while i rushed upstairs to put the baby down for his nap, and i found the sliding door wide open, and the toddler on the patio with the police man. yeah, times like those, i thought about the goal i had made at the beginning of the year, and instead of beating myself up about mishaps, i decided to laugh and share these misfortunes with others so they could have a good laugh as well.
so, in the spirit of this crisp, fresh, blank-paged new year ahead of myself, i have a goal to make...a new year's resolution, if you will.
i simply want to be a better person.
however, all goal-oriented people know that you can't just make a generalized statement like that and hope you get it done. it's way too vague.
so, this is how i'd like to accomplish my far-fetched resolution of perfectionism.
1.
my luxurious days of being a stay at home mother include things like wiping up the same damn puddle of soggy oatmeal day after day. off the floor, off the walls, off clothes and cute faces. i've had to train my brain to shut off when kids start wailing for no reason at all so i don't have a mental breakdown.
i wash the dishes only for them to be dirtied at every meal. seriously, do you people have to eat all day long?!
i'm a multi-tasking ball of mess still stuck in pajama pants by noon, because other little people's needs are more important than my silly need to look presentable when the propane guy comes to fill our tank.
even on the bad days when kids stub their toes, or the puppy has an accident, or i burn dinner, there is always something good hiding inside every day; and i want to make sure i see it.
2.
i read something on never yelling. i'm really glad for people who don't yell or don't have to.
and after reading these quotes, i think i'm fully capable of yelling out of love (or rather concern). i'm not going to resolve that i'm going to stop yelling completely, but i do want to stop yelling out of anger. it's not realistic to stop yelling completely as i live with my hard-of-hearing children, but it will be done with love and concern:
"don't eat the dog food!"
"get out of the street!"
"stop choking your brother!"
see? love and concern.
but seriously,
hug and kiss my family like there's no tomorrow.
3.
this past year, i've found myself allowing myself to be distracted by social media. who said what, who did what, what, what, what...
thank God there wasn't all this social media crap when i was growing up. i have real memories with my brother, so many of them, and i'm grateful i was present in his life and he was present in mine before he died. this thought of looming death is always in the back of my mind - not in a morbid, depressing way - but more like, i have to make the most of this day, because who knows how many more there are?
and let's be honest, the worst thing i could do is raise a bunch of zombies and succumb to the sickness myself.
i want to be present in my family's lives. i want my children to remember how i played tea party, or bounced on the trampoline with them. i want my husband to remember my embrace and all the not-so-funny things i've said that he thought were crack-ups. i want to take advantage of the time i have to have real conversations with my parents and grandparents before they are gone, so i have something to smile about after.
plus...
because babies don't stay babies forever.
(read: stop pinning things on pinterest and just do the damn activity already!)
i can't write about my children's lives if i'm not part of it.
4.
i want to be kinder to myself. i want to be a good and healthy example of self-love and self-contentment. i want my children (especially my girls) to hear me speak kindly about myself, to speak kindly about others. i'd hate for my children to see me compare myself to everyone else and never be satisfied and in love with who they are.
and i think feeling good about oneself is contagious. when i feel good about myself, i'm more inclined to help others sparkle, too.
5.
i will keep buying kale and asparagus and serving it to my family - even the reluctant, picky ones...
i will keep fighting and making up with my husband...
i will spend money and time and gas to get to the ones i love just to spend a moment...
i will make eye contact with the guy holding the cardboard sign, and give what i can...
because i give a damn.
6.
there were so many things i wanted to be when i grew up. i'm still checking things off my list, and now i just need to get off my duff and do it.
and if that means buying cold cereal, chicken nuggets, and paper plates in bulk, then so be it.
7.
on my knees every morning and night.
8.
basically.
9.
because next year, when i look back, i want to see that we laughed the whole way through.
10.
i wrote these things down because i want to remember what i'm working towards. it's so easy to be distracted by fleeting trends and really bad examples of self-absorbed people on reality shows. so, i really want to have some kind of focus during my journey this year. i want to be a better person. i'm not perfect, and i know i've made some crappy mistakes, but i also know i'm capable of changing and being so much more than i am now...and that's what matters.
