pieces of me

in my hand there is a sifter. the pieces of what i've longed to become when i was younger - painter, writer, dancer, singer, gardner (although i'm terrible at it), pianist, weaver - all of it slip through the holes until only mother, teacher, housekeeper, and mediocre cook are left.

i went to school to become a teacher. i thought it was the perfect profession for me until i had children of my own, and then i had no desire to watch or care for anyone's child other than my own. when i locked eyes with my firstborn all of the other parts of me became only a distraction. motherhood was my priority, my focus, and the one thing i was determined to excel at. i had many failures as i navigated through my first years (ahem, and the many years that followed), as well as triumphs sprinkled throughout that kept me going and validated my efforts.

housekeeper and cook are only there by default. i like not living in a rat's nest, i can't help it. and because there's a certain level of cleanliness i need to maintain to survive (happily), most times, i'm the one keeping up the high standards of living. my children could very well live in a pool of peanut butter and jelly or mudpies and be perfectly content. and cook...i'm only mediocre because i burn half of what i make. and that's only because i have to pull myself away from the stove or oven to prevent a toddler from flushing toothbrushes down the toilet, or break up sibling fights over who started what first. 

but, it's been almost 10 years now since i chose motherhood to be my one and only hobby/ambition/priority. the baby is now 2.5, sleeping through the night (most nights, anyway). but it's nothing like the newborn days or post-apocalyptic zombie-like survival. did i eat today? did i take a shower? are those ants on my granola bar crumbed floor? no, it's nothing like that nowadays. true, just two days ago i was up all night with my 4 year old who was taken out with a case of the stomach flu. but, i slept in until 10am the next morning while my almost 10 year old fed the younger kids breakfast and turned the t.v. on for educational pbs cartoon viewing until i finally rose from the dead. my littles have become so independent. i no longer have to brush each of their teeth, wrestle them into clothes, make snacks (they proudly unlock the baby-proofing on the fridge to grab whatever their little hearts desire). most days, i don't even have to clean the house with the exception of loading the dishwasher. after 10 years and 4 babies, my littles aren't so little anymore. 

maybe some piece of me has realized that, because now there's this itch in my brain. despite taking a sleeping pill, my mind refuses to stop shouting. write this, paint that, sing this, weave that. run races, travel, take pretty pictures - it's 2am for crying out loud! go back to sleep! the pieces that had sifted out, want to come back in. i'm not gonna lie, i'm happy for their return. i've been a full-time mama for a really long time now. it's what i chose, what i wanted. i wouldn't change my decision for anything in the world. i'm grateful for all the time i've had and do have with all my babies. but at the same time, my kids are older, and maybe i can devote an hour or two here or there. in fact, i know the time has come that i need to. i just have to find the right balance...and 2am is not it. so, i think tomorrow night my insomnia will call for reinforcements of sleepy time tea...and then i can start thinking about re-sifting a few of my priorities and start to become all those other things i want to be when i grow up. 

a break in the chaos

the other day isaiah asked if i had been blogging. he wanted to know when the 2012-2014 crazy crowfoot blog books would be published. all four of my littles had been cozied up on the couch, giggling, oohing and aahhing, and reading the "quotes of the day" out loud to each other. it had made me smile. so when i asked isaiah why he was so eager for the other editions to be printed out, he simply said, "because i love your stories."

a whirlwind summer is an understatement. i had thought about making a summer bucket list chart. that never happened because in between meeting our newest cousin, taking wagon rides in southern alberta with the grandparents, running a ragnar race with my husband and friends, basketball camps and picnics with friends and family, carnival rides, 

a mini reunion with cousins and aunts/uncles at lake powell, 

and of course, homeschool...

i just have not found the time. 

all of this running to and fro has finally caught up with us, and we are taking a sick day, watching kung fu panda, delivering tylenol for fevers, ice packs for bruised arms, and hoping the puke bucket isn't filled.

it's been a thrilling summer, an exhausting time learning how to travel and parent on my own with sam stuck at work holding down the fort. it's not easy, and i commend all those who do it all. you are amazing. 

just before i ran off to canada, i had a meltdown. the kids weren't listening and i was done with asking. sam came home, saw me in zombie-mode and figured he better have a chat with the perpetrators.

i overheard, whether or not i should have, this:

****

mom asks you to do a simple thing like helping her clean the house and you don't do it, why?

"because we wanted to play."

did you know she sacrificed everything for you? do you think she wanted to slave all day for kids who aren't grateful and don't help her out? she had dreams and she gave them all up for you; the least you can do is what she asks.

"mom had dreams??"

(shocking, i know)

****

about a minute later, i hear tiptoes down the hallway. then a whisper, "mom, what were your dreams?"

i was feeling pretty sensitive and emotional, and blubbered out, "i don't even know anymore."

i've been thinking about this throughout the entire summer. what do i like to do? what do i want to do? i like to write, and i love writing there blog posts - even if no one ever reads them, as long as my children enjoy them, and laugh out loud when they get to a funny part, or oogle about a picture saying, "ah! i remember this!" that's good enough for me.

there are several things i've narrowed my "dreams" down to. i've wanted to make these dreams a reality, but the reality of life is an amazing distraction.

am i sad that my crazy crowfoot crew and their needs take precedence over my craft?

do i resent having to homeschool and plan and prepare for lessons instead of writing and painting?

not at all. in fact, my number one dream was to be a kick-ass mom, otherwise, i don't think i'd spend as much time as i do on it. ha. the thing is, i wanted to make those sacrifices to bring babies into my world, even if that meant someday i'd be scrubbing dried snot off my walls. i think all of these life lessons and learning how to be a more giving and loving mother will most definitely help me on my way to fulfilling those other dreams.

at least, i hope so. 

i think about the day when i won't be homeschooling any longer. it kinda makes me sad, and i'm not ready to give this time up with my kids just yet. 

i've made some adjustments to our homeschooling schedule for this upcoming school year to accommodate my "dreams." because in between all the owies, the tears, the tantrums, the mundane tasks of housework or car maintenance or doctors appointments, i need something of my own to recharge and fill my bucket. and if that something just happens to be my own set of paints that i am not willing to share with my babies - then tough luck, babies. although, the giggles, the cuddles, the kisses, the pure enjoyment of living life and having adventures with my husband and my babies sure does more recharging than those watercolors ever could. ;)

not to mention…

this fabulous mobile library that we finally caught up to!

we have library cards, and it feels like christmas.

so, for those of you who have asked and are curious about what our day looks like, here ya go:

we get out of bed when we want to - usually around 7-7:30am. i workout at 7 to get all those feel-good endorphins i so badly need.

sam leaves for work at 8am, while the rest of us have breakfast.

after getting dressed for the day, we engage in our morning yoga around 9:30, followed by scripture study.

at about 10 or 10:30, we begin our language arts activities.

here, we are working with the grammar boxes.

they really love manipulating things, so these hands on cards are a great resource.

we have math around 11 or 11:30. i don't have a picture handy, but we've been using golden bead rods which are the best ever.

noon, we have lunch.

after lunch, we have our science lesson, which is our plant unit right now. in a couple weeks we'll be moving on to space exploration…because that's what they want to learn about.

around 2, we have chores, and as soon as they are done, it's free time for the rest of the day. 

our day is dotted with walks as well, whenever the kids start feeling restless, it's a good time to step outside.

we only have school 4 days a week…wednesday being our free day. the times we aren't out grocery shopping (which is an all day affair), we have artist or author spotlights. and basically, just art day.

so far, my plan is to homeschool year round, 6 weeks at a time, with 2 week breaks, and one big chunk of winter break (december/january). during this huge break we'll be focusing solely on music - piano, guitar, whatever they want. 

sam was skeptic about my "hippy school," so i bought several workbooks and a homeschool planner to appease his fears of having unintelligent, weird homeschool kids. 

anyway, i know i've been out of the loop for quite some time. i had to be. so, my dear friends and family, in the midst of dirty diapers, long road trips, and temporary single parenting, i never meant to neglect you. and a huge thank you to everyone who has hosted us this summer, and helped me to feel not so insane.

i guess its time to order that 2011 blog book and catch up on the rest of the years…since it is a sick day.

***

today i am grateful for:

*no puking kids thus far.

*tyelenol for the babies (and the ZzzQuil i took last night, man i needed that sleep)

*movie days and toast

the end.

a leap of faith

when i was 9 or 10, my mother had put my brother and i in swim lessons. towards the end of the season, the instructors lined every one up near the high dive board. i never even made it up one step, i knew i couldn't do it, and more so, didn't want to do it. no amount of coaxing could get me to face the horror of jumping from 20 feet. no way, no how. i quietly slipped out of line, sat on the sidelines with the other scaredy cats, and that was that.

for the past two months, well, actually for the past year, sam and i had been discussing the possibility of homeschool. we made it out of rural wisconsin without it ever coming to fruition. and when we moved here, we knew we definitely wanted our kids to be immersed in the community, making friends and learning about the culture and people here. they loved it, we loved it. it was a great school, and they quickly made new friends. of course, being the new kids, it was also a challenge to really fit in at times.

i loved it whenever we went to dances on the mesas, or out to community gatherings, and my kids would say, "oh hey isaac." or "hey sammie!" it was so great going places and knowing people.

but always, in the back of my head and the soft spots of my heart, there was this nagging feeling that i needed to have my kids with me. i began to research homeschooling again. i read blog after blog, book after book, trying to figure out if this is what i wanted to do. the more i read, the more excited i became. i figured, this is what i went to school for, why not put it to good use?

sam and i discussed a trial run during the summer. i began to make the necessary preparations.

but, circumstances changed, and suddenly i was faced with the question from sam, "are you ready to homeschool next week? this is the last week of school for the kids."

what the?! everything was rushed, and i had to get my junk together, quick.

i began to panic. is this really the right thing to do? but, i knew it was.

maybe it was because it was happening faster than i imagined it would, but the doubt crept in. uncertainty lay waiting beside my pillow to greet me as soon as i woke from restless sleep.

i prayed, i had been praying about this for several weeks.

maybe i was was just scared of everything changing so drastically.

the kids' last day was on friday. we made going away gifts for the teachers and apple cinnamon muffins for the class. i dropped the kids off myself and before i could get out the good-byes, i was bawling my eyes out. i hugged them, teary-eyed. they were like family, and i was going to miss our daily relationships. luckily, (and i kept telling this to myself) we were still going to be part of interscholastic/sports activities. i dropped the kids off for their last day and drove back home with the babies. there's something that i've learned throughout moving processes, and that is it is important to allow myself to grieve the change. i let the tears fall until my eyes were good and puffy.

inside my head was a raging argument.

what did i just do?

did i do the right thing?

is it too late to change my mind?

oh dear, what have i done?

it was a tough day for me.

the kids came home with their work from the past 5 months.

they said school was happy and a little sad...sad because they had to say goodbye to their friends.

i reminded them that we'd see them at events and around the community gatherings.

they cheered up a bit.

we had movie night and sam's boss dropped off root beer floats for us.

we cheered up a bit more.

we had a fun weekend with uncle jake (more on that later), and then it was monday.

the first day of homeschool.

the morning was easy. no rushing for the bus, no tears concerning hair or clothes. we took the time we needed to get ready for the day, to eat, to wake up completely.

and then we began our day with a little dr. seuss.

for the past two days, homeschool was all i hoped it would be.

i wanted this. i wanted the 8 hours/day back. i needed to be with all of my babies, and i know that sounds crazy. i'm just one of those crazy moms who needs to be with their children all the time.

it hasn't been a complete breeze. i've been battling a sore throat. during our project work today, i began dozing off during the conversation about our predictions concerning these seeds we just "planted."

my throat hurts, my nose is stuffy, and all i wanted to do was sleep.

but, these wonderful kids of mine have kept me going, not matter the ickiness i feel from having to deal with this cold. i force myself to break out of my slothful ways, to be involved - truly involved.

i force myself to take them out in the sunshine, to laugh, and play, and run.

and at the end of the day, when i'm sipping on my licorice root tea to soothe my aching throat, i am fulfilled. maybe this homeschooling thing was an extremely selfish move on my part. no amount of coaxing could have broken my determination to go through homeschooling. and yet, it was a terrifying leap of faith, hoping someone would catch me, hoping i was doing the right thing.

well, i made the jump, and now i know it was the right thing. yes, there are going to be challenging days ahead. but there is this feeling i just can't shake. i needed to be with my babies, all of them. i needed that extra 40 hours/week to be mine. i remember being so sad when i'd send them off to school, knowing that they were growing apart from me, knowing that they had this completely separate world in which i was no longer part of. it made my heart ache and long for them to be home with me. sometimes, i'd go to the pick up spot early and park right outside of the music window on tuesdays. i'd watch my son dance and laugh with his friends as he played musical games. i'd smile a happy and sad smile, all at the same time. 

my children aren't going to be this little for long. and already, they have grown way too fast. if i didn't somehow get back this extra time to be with them, to teach them, to laugh with them, to play with them, to explore with them, i know i'd always regret it. this time with them is something i'll never get back. 

resolutions and reminders for 2014

i love buying new journals and new books. i love the crisp pages, the new book smell. i love the blank pages of journals excitedly awaiting first words and new memories.

i love the new year because that's how i feel about all the days yet to be written and filled with new adventures and events soon to be reminisced.

people ask me what my new year's resolutions are. my resolution from last year was to love and laugh more with my family, that's it, that was the only one. and as i looked back at all the photos taken, i think i did a pretty fair job. there were many changes this past year and many opportunities for me to exercise love and patience, many opportunities for me to find the humor in challenging situations. there were times i was excellent at being a loving mother and wife. and there were times i cringe at and think what a crappy job i did. but, that's to be expected. the point is, during the really challenging times, like when my toddler broke the child-proof door locks and escaped the house while i rushed upstairs to put the baby down for his nap, and i found the sliding door wide open, and the toddler on the patio with the police man. yeah, times like those, i thought about the goal i had made at the beginning of the year, and instead of beating myself up about mishaps, i decided to laugh and share these misfortunes with others so they could have a good laugh as well. 

so, in the spirit of this crisp, fresh, blank-paged new year ahead of myself, i have a goal to make...a new year's resolution, if you will.

i simply want to be a better person. 

however, all goal-oriented people know that you can't just make a generalized statement like that and hope you get it done. it's way too vague.

so, this is how i'd like to accomplish my far-fetched resolution of perfectionism.

1.

my luxurious days of being a stay at home mother include things like wiping up the same damn puddle of soggy oatmeal day after day. off the floor, off the walls, off clothes and cute faces. i've had to train my brain to shut off when kids start wailing for no reason at all so i don't have a mental breakdown.

i wash the dishes only for them to be dirtied at every meal. seriously, do you people have to eat all day long?!

i'm a multi-tasking ball of mess still stuck in pajama pants by noon, because other little people's needs are more important than my silly need to look presentable when the propane guy comes to fill our tank.

even on the bad days when kids stub their toes, or the puppy has an accident, or i burn dinner, there is always something good hiding inside every day; and i want to make sure i see it.

2.

i read something on never yelling. i'm really glad for people who don't yell or don't have to.

and after reading these quotes, i think i'm fully capable of yelling out of love (or rather concern). i'm not going to resolve that i'm going to stop yelling completely, but i do want to stop yelling out of anger. it's not realistic to stop yelling completely as i live with my hard-of-hearing children, but it will be done with love and concern:

"don't eat the dog food!" 

"get out of the street!"

"stop choking your brother!"

see? love and concern.

but seriously,

hug and kiss my family like there's no tomorrow.

3.

this past year, i've found myself allowing myself to be distracted by social media. who said what, who did what, what, what, what...

thank God there wasn't all this social media crap when i was growing up. i have real memories with my brother, so many of them, and i'm grateful i was present in his life and he was present in mine before he died. this thought of looming death is always in the back of my mind - not in a morbid, depressing way - but more like, i have to make the most of this day, because who knows how many more there are?

and let's be honest, the worst thing i could do is raise a bunch of zombies and succumb to the sickness myself.

i want to be present in my family's lives. i want my children to remember how i played tea party, or bounced on the trampoline with them. i want my husband to remember my embrace and all the not-so-funny things i've said that he thought were crack-ups. i want to take advantage of the time i have to have real conversations with my parents and grandparents before they are gone, so i have something to smile about after.

plus...

because babies don't stay babies forever.

(read: stop pinning things on pinterest and just do the damn activity already!)

i can't write about my children's lives if i'm not part of it.

4.

i want to be kinder to myself. i want to be a good and healthy example of self-love and self-contentment. i want my children (especially my girls) to hear me speak kindly about myself, to speak kindly about others. i'd hate for my children to see me compare myself to everyone else and never be satisfied and in love with who they are.

and i think feeling good about oneself is contagious. when i feel good about myself, i'm more inclined to help others sparkle, too.

5.

i will keep buying kale and asparagus and serving it to my family - even the reluctant, picky ones... 

i will keep fighting and making up with my husband...

i will spend money and time and gas to get to the ones i love just to spend a moment...

i will make eye contact with the guy holding the cardboard sign, and give what i can...

because i give a damn.

6.

there were so many things i wanted to be when i grew up. i'm still checking things off my list, and now i just need to get off my duff and do it.

and if that means buying cold cereal, chicken nuggets, and paper plates in bulk, then so be it.

7.

on my knees every morning and night.

8.

basically.

9.

because next year, when i look back, i want to see that we laughed the whole way through.

10.

i wrote these things down because i want to remember what i'm working towards. it's so easy to be distracted by fleeting trends and really bad examples of self-absorbed people on reality shows. so, i really want to have some kind of focus during my journey this year. i want to be a better person. i'm not perfect, and i know i've made some crappy mistakes, but i also know i'm capable of changing and being so much more than i am now...and that's what matters.