just chillin'

this is our week.

"mommy, look! my tattoo! lemme give you tattoo."

i no longer get flowers from her...only weeds. she'll plop them on the table and say, "here ya go, mommy."

thank, mimzy.

and this guy scoots on up in his seat, thinking deep thoughts about life and such.

i don't think you can get much comfortable than this...

the end.

a chapter ended...

i had mixed feelings about this whole weaning business.

i really wanted to. and i really didn't.

this little baby boy, really didn't. i wasn't extremely strict about the whole thing. but from past experience, after weaning, i feel brand new and recharged and full of life and energy.

i wanted that, really, really badly.

nursing somehow sucks all the energy from me, and with these little crazies, i was in desperate need of any extra stores of energy.

i began by cutting off the morning meals. 5am was just too early for me to want to get up any longer.

he started sleeping until 7am after a week.

then i slowly cut out the nap-time meal. he was not impressed.

so i gave in every other day.

besides, i really loved the cuddles.

somehow, nap-time meals were a thing of the past, and bedtime slowly faded out, too.

as he weaned, he developed this thing with sucking his thumb and snuggling up next to my bare tummy. he still does it. and i let him.

it's always a strange thing trying to nurse a baby after they've weaned. it just felt so awkward to us both.

i suppose i have a full-fledged toddler on my hands.

he's growing up and i'm officially done with babies. officially.

i'm mostly relieved...but still so sentimental about it all. i have absolutely loved seeing the positive sign on each of the tests. feeling the flutter of new life growing inside me. the nausea wasn't as fun, but secretly it was an exciting reaffirmation that this was real. 

i loved falling in love over and over again, seeing my brand new babies for the first time; holding their tiny frames, and smelling their sweet, milky skin.

some days i loved nursing, and some days i felt like a humungous milking cow. but it was life, and i was living it. 

the nights were long, and so were the days, but somehow, no one told me the years would be unfairly short and swift.

first smiles, hiccups, giggles, waves hello, steps, words, all of this - how is it possible that the magic of it doesn't fade with each one?

i won't miss the sleepless nights, or smelling like baby puke. i won't miss soggy, wet, shirts and the pain of feeling like my chest will explode. i won't miss the needles or trying to sit up the night after. i won't miss the puking. i won't miss the terror of new mommyhood.

i will miss the newborn cuddles. i will miss the juicy, chubby cheeks. i will miss the baby talk and made-up words. i will miss the toothless smiles and their sweet baby breath.

i love this quote from president monson.

i read this a long time ago and it has stayed with me.

this quote also spoke to me. when we lived in switzerland, everything was so new and different, that so many things took a great deal to get used to. some days i wish i wasn't living in a bomb shelter...

and now, i look back with fondness wishing i could re-live those days. 

and this, this quote was everything i needed to hear.

i wonder if i had kids earlier than i should have.

i wonder what my life would've been had i chosen a career or what have you.

something so simple, like the incredible realization of knowing that each person is different with their own unique assignment, should've been obvious. but it wasn't. i read this and a light bulb went off in my head. i don't have to do things the way someone else is doing them. i have my particular assignment in life and i know i did things at the right time for me.

i threw myself into books and studying and school at the point in life i needed to.

i immersed myself in child-rearing at just the perfect time in my life. 

i am so grateful and i know i am incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to have my four babies.

it has seemed like one long marathon run of ups and downs, of highs and lows - with rest stops and water stops and energy packets here and there. i have loved watching the scenery change, overcoming challenges and getting comfortable in my shoes - comfortable in my role as a mother.

i have relished in the adventure of it all, and this part of the "race"- the making babies and having babies, all the baby stuff is over now.

i'm a tad sniffly over it, not sniffly enough to want to do it all over again. no, not that much.

but enough to want to snuggle up with brand new nieces and nephews and friends' babies - and then promptly give them back when they start to cry...

relieved that i don't have to worry about things like sleepless nights or soggy shirts any longer.

i'm too tired for that now.

i'm content to stand on the sidelines, wrangling my crazy munchkins, as i cheer everyone else along. :)

go you, you have wonderful things to accomplish - a particular assignment worth doing with enthusiasm...with your whole heart and soul.

the end.

goodbye gluten

sometimes before i go to bed, i think about my little babies and suddenly want them in my bed.

they usually end up here right next to me around 6 or 7 in the morning...

or 5am if there's a thunderstorm.

i love watching them sleep, and i love hearing them breathe. i love snuggling up to their soft faces.

i just wish they'd let me hold them like a teddy bear, though.

no such luck.

today was monday.

baseball and gymnastics day.

mosiah loves rainbows and his fuzzy pink sock.

he'll walk all over the place carrying makayah's fuzzy sock in one hand, cuddling up to it while sucking his thumb.

isaiah hopped out of the car for practice, and as i was about to get everyone else out of the car, makayah asked me a question which led to a mini talk about the birds and the bees.

i had been dreading talks like this, not knowing exactly what to say, hoping it wouldn't be too stiff, formal, or awkward.

luckily, this talk was none of that.

she asked some questions and i gave her straight-forward answers, which led to more questions and some laughing and "what the what?!" moments.

at one point, she threw back her head and laughed and asked, "mom, why are you telling me all of this?"

because you asked.

she laughed again, her cute face scrunched, and her two front teeth missing, "oh yeah."

we didn't delve too much into things. after all, she is only 6 years old.

it was basically a talk about puberty and girl stuff...

the chapter one of the birds and the bees, if you will.

after our girl talk, we all packed up to go outside to watch isaiah.

we've been working on being a good sport.

sometimes, he'll get a great big old head about things and will correct the kids on the field.

son - you are NOT the coach.

we talked about giving praise and encouragement, and he's trying to remember it all.

he's a good kid though, and he's doing an excellent job.

i've loved having the kids in their summer sports. there's just something about being on a team with a coach who isn't your parent, that really helps a child learn skills they otherwise wouldn't at home with their mom or dad.

when baseball practice was over, we walked to the playground. the boys, isaiah and his friend braydon, went exploring and found a dragonfly's wing.

the girls, makayah, hayley, and mimzy, joined up with the boys and hunted for turtles near the edges of the lake.

mo and i watched the ducks.

and mimzy tried feeding them humungous branches.

thanks, mimzy.

we've loved having these friends around to play with during baseball and gymnastics.

time for lunch.

so, here's the thing. i have been so exhausted, whether i go to bed before 10pm or by midnight. i've been a lifeless lump some days even after taking my iron supplement. some days it has been nearly impossible to get myself outside to play with the kids. i am just so, so, tired. it's like i'm pregnant again.

and then i read this article. it's about gluten and how some people (especially native americans) may have problems processing the wheat protein. this inability may lead to various symptoms ranging from mild to severe.

i read the symptoms, and could definitely relate to the author. we decided to do a week trial of going gluten-free and see if anything changed.

my kids didn't have any previous symptoms other than severe whininess. but, i thought that was normal for the small children i had. however, for the past few weeks, mosiah has had a hard time falling asleep. he was a super sleeper until his molars started coming in. and then they sprouted...but he'd still wake up around 10 and 12 at night. sometimes he'd wake around 2.

at first i came in to check on him and see what i could do, but there really was nothing obviously wrong. so, i'd let him cry himself back to sleep.

after the first day of being gluten-free, mosiah slept through the night, and the next night, and the next. there was one meal when he did accidentally have some gluten. that night when i woke up, i carried him into my bedroom, and noticed him scratching at his throat and mouth. his body is not used to processed foods at all. up until two months ago, his diet consisted of breast milk and fruit and veggie purees with eggs and chicken on the side. so, i'm not surprised he exhibited more noticeable symptoms than we did.

we all felt a little lighter and energetic after the trial. mosiah has benefitted the most from the gluten-free diet, he sleeps well, and is rash free.

for the most part, we like being gluten-free, except for on cheat days, of course. we aren't strictly GF, but i think for the moment, baby mo will be.

aaaand, after our GF meals for the day, we went to our very last gymnastics class of the season.

makayah is such an amazing athlete, whether it's gymnastics, ballet, or soccer...she is such great fun to watch.

fabulous job, makayah!

you go girl.

the end.

Aaron

the past few weeks i received several messages from my friends, and aaron's close friends. messages with kind and comforting words. messages containing sweet memories i had long forgotten. messages that shout out to me, yes, he was really here. it wasn't just my imagination.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

the past few weeks there have been several deaths.

great uncle gene died two weeks ago.

my close friend's friend died last week. she was a mother of 5 young children.

an actor from the series, "glee," died, too. he was my age.

before aaron died, i never thought much of death.

death was always something that happened to other people, and old people.

i vaguely remember when my great grandma passed away. she would always visit us, and her skin was soft with wrinkles. she only spoke in navajo, so i never understood what she was saying, i only knew she loved me from her kind eyes and tender hugs. and that was good enough.

i missed her when she died. but, it was so different. it was how it was supposed to be. she was 90-something, it was her time. i don't think i even cried.

i think of the mother of 5 young children. she found out she had cancer a week before, and the doctors were planning treatment. she died suddenly 5 or 7 days later. i don't know all the details, so this might not be completely accurate, but i do know that it was so very unexpected.

my heart broke for her little ones. for her husband who had to tell them.

i think about death all the time. i brace myself for it. i don't want to be caught off-guard like i was the last time. and i just don't want my kids to have to hurt like that.

a family in our ward just lost their son. i watched him grow up.

there are well-meaning people who give the whole, "he/she's in a better place" bit. and i know that. i do. but that doesn't stop me from missing my brother. it doesn't stop me from wishing he were here. i miss having my brother with me. he would've been a great uncle. he used to talk about how he would give my future kids rides in his future red convertible, buying them anything they'd want.

he made me laugh. and when we'd wrestle and fight over silly things, we'd make each other cry.

but we'd always cry again, sobbing our apologies, immediately after.

he'd save me a seat on the bus. we'd hold hands walking home.

we'd hug for no reason. we'd camp out on the trampoline with the rest of the neighborhood kids, star gazing and telling scary stories.

we'd sing silly songs and have inside jokes.

he'd give me rides on the motorcycle, and we'd race away from wild dogs.

we'd go hiking in the backyard canyons, playing in the mud and tumbleweeds.

he loved me and i loved him, because he was my brother and i was his sister.

and on days like today, i wish i could just tell him, face to face, 

"happy 31st birthday, aaron. man, i miss you like crazy."

the end.

sam's birthday...

month.

yes, month. sam's birthday is a month-long affair.

it is just one long month of parties, presents, food, and fun.

because, really, where would we be without him?

besides, he's a pretty incredible guy and we think he deserves such fanfare. ;)

sam didn't have to go into work today, and instead spent the entire morning golfing with his buddies.

he totally lucked out.

we spent the rest of the evening stuffing our faces full of buttery rolls and chunks of steak.

our friends had invited us to spend the day with them at the water park.

it's sam's birthday weekend, why not?

besides, it's not really summer until you've gone to the dells.

isaiah's favorite slide. he did go on the massive ones outside with sam and sid, but after he had nothing more to prove - this was where it was at.

daddy and his wee babe.

mimzy at a rare sitting break.

she was all over the kiddie pool, like a boss. and when she wasn't, she was running from slide to slide...just not brave enough to actually go down any of them - yet.

makayah with the girls.

they are our cousins away from home.

bbq tears. they were not at all impressed with the head gear.

these girls were too caught up to care.

thanks for a great weekend W fam! it's always a blast with you guys.

and sam, i hope it was a wonderful birthday month.

we love you.

for you, sam.

i like to wonder about the day you were born.

the excitement and anticipation your parents felt...

the exhaustion at 4:23 in the morning, as they first witnessed your small 7lb 12oz newborn body...

as they melted when they first touched your soft black hair...

and swelled when they fell into your dark brown eyes...

when you weren't sleeping, of course.

and they wondered who you were going to be,

what adventures you would have,

and someday - seemingly eons away - the family you'd someday have of your very own, continuing on this most precious cycle of love and joy,

of trials and heartache, 

of triumph and growth.

what magic lay in this tiny and most tender package sent from heaven?

sometimes i feel like i've known you forever.

the lines are blurry where we come together.

i hear the stories of the days when you flooded kitchens and painted cars and neighbor's garage's with sticky, black tar.

i listen to happy stories, sad stories, scary stories, funny stories, sport stories, mission stories, hero stories, and watch home videos of you as a gangly little kid, the same as me...

and suddenly without any warning, after all the stories of childhood have been told, the eons have passed and now you're all grown up with a family of your very own.

for the most part, your parents don't have to wonder what kind of person you'll become, because we all know now...

you are kind, you are good, you are loving, you are loyal.

you are intelligent, you are thoughtful, you are wise.

you are sarcastic, you are bursting with energy and life, you are funny as heck and can work a crowd like no other.

and even though your family drives you crazy, you love us to no end, day in and day out. 

happy 35 years, sam.

we are so grateful and so very privileged to be on this journey with you.

we love you to no end, too.

just chillin'

the next morning, i woke up so sore.

but, when this pretty little thing came up to the side of my bed with her big hair saying, "g'mo-neen mommy." meh, being sore wasn't so bad.

my recovery this time was so different than my marathon recovery. i was so stiff and so in pain (especially since i had tweaked my knee) last time. this time, my knees were fine. my arms and back were a little sore. but mostly, it was the pads of my feet that felt it the most. i sat down on the couch with a book in one hand, a bottle of water in the other, and fully intended to rest and relax.

but with four kids, who was i kidding?

it was monday, and mondays are baseball and gymnastics days.

bright and early baseball practice.

and just in case i did get lucky and have the chance to veg out on the couch, i wanted to make sure they had some time in the park.

mimzy spilled something in the fridge. so i ended up cleaning out the fridge and wiping the whole thing down. some food had gotten on the floor, so the floor was mopped.

there was a trail of shredded cheese that also led to the living room, so the living room floor was swept, mopped and vacuumed. 

laundry needed to be washed and folded and put away.

my R&R time turned into deep cleaning time.

soooo not fair.

and somehow, despite how tired i was and how i just wanted to lie down and sleep, i did make lunch and we had a beautiful little picnic on our patio.

and sam was great and took makayah to gymnastics practice.

the rest of the week went by rather uneventfully.

the babies were mesmerized by the cash register. some days it gets used, and weeks go by without a second glance. but this time, they gathered all the coins around the house and were obsessed with the electronic voice lady telling them what the coins were.

i'm sad this came out blurry. i love watching mimzy at tumblebugs, but sometimes it can be exhausting. look at her though, she is such a cutie!

i just missed her "taa-daa" by a millisecond.

i love how easy it is for kids to make friends. no prejudices. just love and friendship. everybody just wants to be loved - and these little ones get it.

this little tulley doll is mosiah's most favorite snuggle toy. he will carry it with him wherever he goes have a seat, suck his thumb, and pull tulley in close to his face. 

and more trampoline bouncing.

we also played at the neighbors house. our neighbors are great! we have really enjoyed living where we do. if only we had a fence like theirs.

water. she finds it wherever she goes.

i cringe whenever the kids play in the sandbox. weird, since i always played in the dirt when i was growing up. my mommy ocd started when i had kids.

sam had an important call on thursday, and we all were kicked out.

so, we had a picnic in the park.

"too high! lemme OUT!"

it really wasn't high at all, but she wanted to freak out anyway.

loving life.

i can't believe all these kids are mine. blows my mind.

i love them, each and every one.

good week.

the end.