Aaron

the past few weeks i received several messages from my friends, and aaron's close friends. messages with kind and comforting words. messages containing sweet memories i had long forgotten. messages that shout out to me, yes, he was really here. it wasn't just my imagination.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

the past few weeks there have been several deaths.

great uncle gene died two weeks ago.

my close friend's friend died last week. she was a mother of 5 young children.

an actor from the series, "glee," died, too. he was my age.

before aaron died, i never thought much of death.

death was always something that happened to other people, and old people.

i vaguely remember when my great grandma passed away. she would always visit us, and her skin was soft with wrinkles. she only spoke in navajo, so i never understood what she was saying, i only knew she loved me from her kind eyes and tender hugs. and that was good enough.

i missed her when she died. but, it was so different. it was how it was supposed to be. she was 90-something, it was her time. i don't think i even cried.

i think of the mother of 5 young children. she found out she had cancer a week before, and the doctors were planning treatment. she died suddenly 5 or 7 days later. i don't know all the details, so this might not be completely accurate, but i do know that it was so very unexpected.

my heart broke for her little ones. for her husband who had to tell them.

i think about death all the time. i brace myself for it. i don't want to be caught off-guard like i was the last time. and i just don't want my kids to have to hurt like that.

a family in our ward just lost their son. i watched him grow up.

there are well-meaning people who give the whole, "he/she's in a better place" bit. and i know that. i do. but that doesn't stop me from missing my brother. it doesn't stop me from wishing he were here. i miss having my brother with me. he would've been a great uncle. he used to talk about how he would give my future kids rides in his future red convertible, buying them anything they'd want.

he made me laugh. and when we'd wrestle and fight over silly things, we'd make each other cry.

but we'd always cry again, sobbing our apologies, immediately after.

he'd save me a seat on the bus. we'd hold hands walking home.

we'd hug for no reason. we'd camp out on the trampoline with the rest of the neighborhood kids, star gazing and telling scary stories.

we'd sing silly songs and have inside jokes.

he'd give me rides on the motorcycle, and we'd race away from wild dogs.

we'd go hiking in the backyard canyons, playing in the mud and tumbleweeds.

he loved me and i loved him, because he was my brother and i was his sister.

and on days like today, i wish i could just tell him, face to face, 

"happy 31st birthday, aaron. man, i miss you like crazy."

the end.