There were so many things I wanted to be when I grew up.
But, for as long as I can remember, I had always known I wanted to be a mama.
In high school, one of my favorite games was playing “MASH” with my friends and
listing down the names of my future 8 children. Well, the “MASH” game
predictions never came to fruition, but I did end up having four kids with
better suiting names than Jem cartoon characters.
Before I had my first baby, I had received my bachelor’s
degree in Early Childhood Education and worked as a preschool teacher. I loved
my job. I willingly worked from 7am-9pm. I loved the lesson planning, and I
adored the children. It was pretty fantastic. I also worked at a juvenile
detention center, and that was fun, too. However, once my baby was born, I had
no second thoughts and happily quit my job.
Fast forward to the present time, and I can’t help but
examine the past 11 years of parenthood. I wonder, did I allow motherhood to
consume me and extinguish all other aspects of my identity? Or did I push
against conformation, resisting change still clinging to my former self?
I look back over the years and as cliché as this may sound;
there is a season for everything. There were times when I was excellent at
balancing my personal hobbies with trips to the park with my babies. I am very
much a planner, and I’d block off time when we’d go to the library, or zoo, and
then block time off for crafting after the babies went to sleep. Dang, I was
good!
And then, I recall the times just after babies were born,
and feeling like a human milking cow. No matter that I blocked time off for
baking, sewing, writing, or even sleep – my time was not my time.
So, how do you keep a sense of identity in the ever-evolving
world of motherhood?
1.
Be
flexible. Sometimes it’s great to have routines, and other times, trying to
stick to a routine is murder and more stress than it’s worth. When my first
child was born, I was a stickler for routines. “It’s nap time! Don’t wake the
baby!” “It’s the baby’s mealtime and this is the way we do it, in the order we
do it, because that’s the routine.” Nope. A word of caution, this has the real
possibility of making you look annoyingly insane and alienating yourself from
the rest of the population of the world. For most mama’s, this lesson of
flexibility is best learned after the second, third, and fourth kid. “Sorry
kid, can’t sleep now, we’ve got to pick up your brother from school.” “Hey
kids, we’re going to have cold cereal for dinner because my brain is fried and
figuring out what to do with the ingredients in the pantry is beyond my mental
capabilities – so, knock yourself out.” Smile, give your shoulders a little
shrug, and get on with it.
2.
Find joy
in the season you’re in. You will have phases when things are riding out
smoothly, when you have everything figured out. You have time to go out with
friends, time to join a choir, time to paint, to join athletic teams or go to
the gym. And just like any other dream job out there, there are really tough
parts…like, realizing all you are is a poop and puke cleaner. When I had my
first two babies, the sleepless nights were killer. It got easier with the
second, but by the third baby, I had actually learned to enjoy the special
times at 3am feeding my newborn. After my first two babies, I knew this phase
would only last 6-8 weeks. I allowed myself to sleep in and cuddle the day
away. I allowed myself to accept the help that was offered, and find joy in the
wonderful friendships that blossomed from all those sweet and kind acts of
service. When my kids got sick and puked everywhere, I reminded myself to clean
up with a loving heart and that act of kindness showed my children just how
much they were loved and cared for. Sometimes your identity will consist of
more than cleaning up messes, and sometimes it is made up entirely of cleaning
up messes, and that’s ok.
3.
Take time-outs.
Mamas get tired. Mamas get annoyed, and angry. We are human. We can’t do it
all, all of the time. I am at the lovely season of sibling squabbles. The
constant sound of “He did it!” “She did it!” – it’s like scratches on a
chalkboard and my brain goes numb and a chill runs down my spine. I close my
eyes, put up my hands in surrender, “Kids, I can’t do this right now, I’ll be
in my room with the door shut and locked. Please don’t bug me until I come
out.” Then I grab my secret stash of ding-dongs, lie on my bed and read a book.
I completely zone out everything going on outside of my room, I’m sure my kids
will get me in the case of an emergency, and the 11yr-old know what to do,
right? Anyway, I wait to come out until I am calm and collected, and somewhat
more refreshed. OK, I can deal with this now. If you have younger children and
can’t lock yourself in your room, I find that putting on a movie and cuddling
up with them while I take a nap has also done wonders.
Keeping and finding my identity, as a mother of four has
been a wild juggling act. Sometimes I can juggle five balls, other times, I can
only manage to keep one in my hand. After eleven years of parenting, I’m not the
same person I once was. I have new priorities, new interests, and new hobbies.
Give me ten more years, and I’m sure I’ll have morphed again. Self-identity is
fluid and shape shifting. Although so many things have changed since being a
child, I still find myself wanting to be a plethora of things. Seamstress.
Artist. Photographer. Writer. Mother. And I realize, I can be all these things at varying degrees throughout my life. I
haven’t found the perfect balance. But for myself, personally, I am grateful for
the phases of life that motherhood consumed me, my identity. I look back at the
milestone pictures and my past blog posts and remember how sweet and hard the
climb was – and those are the moments I relish in.
