in my hand there is a sifter. the pieces of what i've longed to become when i was younger - painter, writer, dancer, singer, gardner (although i'm terrible at it), pianist, weaver - all of it slip through the holes until only mother, teacher, housekeeper, and mediocre cook are left.
i went to school to become a teacher. i thought it was the perfect profession for me until i had children of my own, and then i had no desire to watch or care for anyone's child other than my own. when i locked eyes with my firstborn all of the other parts of me became only a distraction. motherhood was my priority, my focus, and the one thing i was determined to excel at. i had many failures as i navigated through my first years (ahem, and the many years that followed), as well as triumphs sprinkled throughout that kept me going and validated my efforts.
housekeeper and cook are only there by default. i like not living in a rat's nest, i can't help it. and because there's a certain level of cleanliness i need to maintain to survive (happily), most times, i'm the one keeping up the high standards of living. my children could very well live in a pool of peanut butter and jelly or mudpies and be perfectly content. and cook...i'm only mediocre because i burn half of what i make. and that's only because i have to pull myself away from the stove or oven to prevent a toddler from flushing toothbrushes down the toilet, or break up sibling fights over who started what first.
but, it's been almost 10 years now since i chose motherhood to be my one and only hobby/ambition/priority. the baby is now 2.5, sleeping through the night (most nights, anyway). but it's nothing like the newborn days or post-apocalyptic zombie-like survival. did i eat today? did i take a shower? are those ants on my granola bar crumbed floor? no, it's nothing like that nowadays. true, just two days ago i was up all night with my 4 year old who was taken out with a case of the stomach flu. but, i slept in until 10am the next morning while my almost 10 year old fed the younger kids breakfast and turned the t.v. on for educational pbs cartoon viewing until i finally rose from the dead. my littles have become so independent. i no longer have to brush each of their teeth, wrestle them into clothes, make snacks (they proudly unlock the baby-proofing on the fridge to grab whatever their little hearts desire). most days, i don't even have to clean the house with the exception of loading the dishwasher. after 10 years and 4 babies, my littles aren't so little anymore.
maybe some piece of me has realized that, because now there's this itch in my brain. despite taking a sleeping pill, my mind refuses to stop shouting. write this, paint that, sing this, weave that. run races, travel, take pretty pictures - it's 2am for crying out loud! go back to sleep! the pieces that had sifted out, want to come back in. i'm not gonna lie, i'm happy for their return. i've been a full-time mama for a really long time now. it's what i chose, what i wanted. i wouldn't change my decision for anything in the world. i'm grateful for all the time i've had and do have with all my babies. but at the same time, my kids are older, and maybe i can devote an hour or two here or there. in fact, i know the time has come that i need to. i just have to find the right balance...and 2am is not it. so, i think tomorrow night my insomnia will call for reinforcements of sleepy time tea...and then i can start thinking about re-sifting a few of my priorities and start to become all those other things i want to be when i grow up.
