a chapter ended...

i had mixed feelings about this whole weaning business.

i really wanted to. and i really didn't.

this little baby boy, really didn't. i wasn't extremely strict about the whole thing. but from past experience, after weaning, i feel brand new and recharged and full of life and energy.

i wanted that, really, really badly.

nursing somehow sucks all the energy from me, and with these little crazies, i was in desperate need of any extra stores of energy.

i began by cutting off the morning meals. 5am was just too early for me to want to get up any longer.

he started sleeping until 7am after a week.

then i slowly cut out the nap-time meal. he was not impressed.

so i gave in every other day.

besides, i really loved the cuddles.

somehow, nap-time meals were a thing of the past, and bedtime slowly faded out, too.

as he weaned, he developed this thing with sucking his thumb and snuggling up next to my bare tummy. he still does it. and i let him.

it's always a strange thing trying to nurse a baby after they've weaned. it just felt so awkward to us both.

i suppose i have a full-fledged toddler on my hands.

he's growing up and i'm officially done with babies. officially.

i'm mostly relieved...but still so sentimental about it all. i have absolutely loved seeing the positive sign on each of the tests. feeling the flutter of new life growing inside me. the nausea wasn't as fun, but secretly it was an exciting reaffirmation that this was real. 

i loved falling in love over and over again, seeing my brand new babies for the first time; holding their tiny frames, and smelling their sweet, milky skin.

some days i loved nursing, and some days i felt like a humungous milking cow. but it was life, and i was living it. 

the nights were long, and so were the days, but somehow, no one told me the years would be unfairly short and swift.

first smiles, hiccups, giggles, waves hello, steps, words, all of this - how is it possible that the magic of it doesn't fade with each one?

i won't miss the sleepless nights, or smelling like baby puke. i won't miss soggy, wet, shirts and the pain of feeling like my chest will explode. i won't miss the needles or trying to sit up the night after. i won't miss the puking. i won't miss the terror of new mommyhood.

i will miss the newborn cuddles. i will miss the juicy, chubby cheeks. i will miss the baby talk and made-up words. i will miss the toothless smiles and their sweet baby breath.

i love this quote from president monson.

i read this a long time ago and it has stayed with me.

this quote also spoke to me. when we lived in switzerland, everything was so new and different, that so many things took a great deal to get used to. some days i wish i wasn't living in a bomb shelter...

and now, i look back with fondness wishing i could re-live those days. 

and this, this quote was everything i needed to hear.

i wonder if i had kids earlier than i should have.

i wonder what my life would've been had i chosen a career or what have you.

something so simple, like the incredible realization of knowing that each person is different with their own unique assignment, should've been obvious. but it wasn't. i read this and a light bulb went off in my head. i don't have to do things the way someone else is doing them. i have my particular assignment in life and i know i did things at the right time for me.

i threw myself into books and studying and school at the point in life i needed to.

i immersed myself in child-rearing at just the perfect time in my life. 

i am so grateful and i know i am incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to have my four babies.

it has seemed like one long marathon run of ups and downs, of highs and lows - with rest stops and water stops and energy packets here and there. i have loved watching the scenery change, overcoming challenges and getting comfortable in my shoes - comfortable in my role as a mother.

i have relished in the adventure of it all, and this part of the "race"- the making babies and having babies, all the baby stuff is over now.

i'm a tad sniffly over it, not sniffly enough to want to do it all over again. no, not that much.

but enough to want to snuggle up with brand new nieces and nephews and friends' babies - and then promptly give them back when they start to cry...

relieved that i don't have to worry about things like sleepless nights or soggy shirts any longer.

i'm too tired for that now.

i'm content to stand on the sidelines, wrangling my crazy munchkins, as i cheer everyone else along. :)

go you, you have wonderful things to accomplish - a particular assignment worth doing with enthusiasm...with your whole heart and soul.

the end.