a leap of faith

when i was 9 or 10, my mother had put my brother and i in swim lessons. towards the end of the season, the instructors lined every one up near the high dive board. i never even made it up one step, i knew i couldn't do it, and more so, didn't want to do it. no amount of coaxing could get me to face the horror of jumping from 20 feet. no way, no how. i quietly slipped out of line, sat on the sidelines with the other scaredy cats, and that was that.

for the past two months, well, actually for the past year, sam and i had been discussing the possibility of homeschool. we made it out of rural wisconsin without it ever coming to fruition. and when we moved here, we knew we definitely wanted our kids to be immersed in the community, making friends and learning about the culture and people here. they loved it, we loved it. it was a great school, and they quickly made new friends. of course, being the new kids, it was also a challenge to really fit in at times.

i loved it whenever we went to dances on the mesas, or out to community gatherings, and my kids would say, "oh hey isaac." or "hey sammie!" it was so great going places and knowing people.

but always, in the back of my head and the soft spots of my heart, there was this nagging feeling that i needed to have my kids with me. i began to research homeschooling again. i read blog after blog, book after book, trying to figure out if this is what i wanted to do. the more i read, the more excited i became. i figured, this is what i went to school for, why not put it to good use?

sam and i discussed a trial run during the summer. i began to make the necessary preparations.

but, circumstances changed, and suddenly i was faced with the question from sam, "are you ready to homeschool next week? this is the last week of school for the kids."

what the?! everything was rushed, and i had to get my junk together, quick.

i began to panic. is this really the right thing to do? but, i knew it was.

maybe it was because it was happening faster than i imagined it would, but the doubt crept in. uncertainty lay waiting beside my pillow to greet me as soon as i woke from restless sleep.

i prayed, i had been praying about this for several weeks.

maybe i was was just scared of everything changing so drastically.

the kids' last day was on friday. we made going away gifts for the teachers and apple cinnamon muffins for the class. i dropped the kids off myself and before i could get out the good-byes, i was bawling my eyes out. i hugged them, teary-eyed. they were like family, and i was going to miss our daily relationships. luckily, (and i kept telling this to myself) we were still going to be part of interscholastic/sports activities. i dropped the kids off for their last day and drove back home with the babies. there's something that i've learned throughout moving processes, and that is it is important to allow myself to grieve the change. i let the tears fall until my eyes were good and puffy.

inside my head was a raging argument.

what did i just do?

did i do the right thing?

is it too late to change my mind?

oh dear, what have i done?

it was a tough day for me.

the kids came home with their work from the past 5 months.

they said school was happy and a little sad...sad because they had to say goodbye to their friends.

i reminded them that we'd see them at events and around the community gatherings.

they cheered up a bit.

we had movie night and sam's boss dropped off root beer floats for us.

we cheered up a bit more.

we had a fun weekend with uncle jake (more on that later), and then it was monday.

the first day of homeschool.

the morning was easy. no rushing for the bus, no tears concerning hair or clothes. we took the time we needed to get ready for the day, to eat, to wake up completely.

and then we began our day with a little dr. seuss.

for the past two days, homeschool was all i hoped it would be.

i wanted this. i wanted the 8 hours/day back. i needed to be with all of my babies, and i know that sounds crazy. i'm just one of those crazy moms who needs to be with their children all the time.

it hasn't been a complete breeze. i've been battling a sore throat. during our project work today, i began dozing off during the conversation about our predictions concerning these seeds we just "planted."

my throat hurts, my nose is stuffy, and all i wanted to do was sleep.

but, these wonderful kids of mine have kept me going, not matter the ickiness i feel from having to deal with this cold. i force myself to break out of my slothful ways, to be involved - truly involved.

i force myself to take them out in the sunshine, to laugh, and play, and run.

and at the end of the day, when i'm sipping on my licorice root tea to soothe my aching throat, i am fulfilled. maybe this homeschooling thing was an extremely selfish move on my part. no amount of coaxing could have broken my determination to go through homeschooling. and yet, it was a terrifying leap of faith, hoping someone would catch me, hoping i was doing the right thing.

well, i made the jump, and now i know it was the right thing. yes, there are going to be challenging days ahead. but there is this feeling i just can't shake. i needed to be with my babies, all of them. i needed that extra 40 hours/week to be mine. i remember being so sad when i'd send them off to school, knowing that they were growing apart from me, knowing that they had this completely separate world in which i was no longer part of. it made my heart ache and long for them to be home with me. sometimes, i'd go to the pick up spot early and park right outside of the music window on tuesdays. i'd watch my son dance and laugh with his friends as he played musical games. i'd smile a happy and sad smile, all at the same time. 

my children aren't going to be this little for long. and already, they have grown way too fast. if i didn't somehow get back this extra time to be with them, to teach them, to laugh with them, to play with them, to explore with them, i know i'd always regret it. this time with them is something i'll never get back.