forgiveness, a lesson for my children.

my littles, this one is for you.

forgiveness is hard. yes, even for me. especially for me, it seems. it doesn't get any easier the older you get.

there will be times when people will hurt you, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes severely on purpose. and yes, even when people are being jerks, and have made you feel sad, mad, whatever, you are required to forgive...no matter what - even if they aren't sorry. even if they keep hurting you. yeah, sometimes it sucks. and most likely, you'll have to forgive that person over and over and over.

i'm telling you this because this summer was one of those summers when i had been granted a lesson in forgiveness. lucky me.

but before i get into the story at hand, i feel the need to give you a little background, because this forgiveness thing, is really one big life-long process.

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when i was younger, people were mean. people called me names. people ripped up my school picture and handed it back to me. people spit on my back pack and in my hair. my sweater was stolen. 

unfortunately, i was also guilty of calling other people names and hurting other people's feelings as well. there were times i was mean. 

i didn't quite realize the impact of my behavior on others until i had left home and was on my own. it was when i was on my own, i truly realized the importance of kindness, acceptance, love, and forgiveness.

i don't know why those people felt the need to bully me. 

why did i bully? i was stupid. plain and simple. there was no justification for being mean to someone just because i had been bullied myself. it was wrong, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

there were many nights i sat with my mom on my bed, asking her why i had to endure such torment from classmates. she told me i simply had to learn how to forgive. that was it. forgive.

there were also many nights and days i remembered the awful things i said to my classmates to hurt their feelings. i cried, i felt bad, i had to say sorry and ask for forgiveness. i also learned through this process that i had to forgive myself to truly free myself of these negative feelings.

****

fast forward 10 years, out of grade school drama and into, well, just more real life drama.

i don't know how things spiraled into the messy tangle of hurtful words and disrespectful acts they turned into, but it did. 

i've been struggling with forgiving these people. forgiveness is hard on its own, but when the hurtful acts and words involve the people you love and hold dear, it is damn near impossible.

i allowed their toxic behavior to fill me with rage. it almost seemed like a dark rain cloud i allowed to follow me; baffled and stunned by their actions and their motives behind it all. why?

hurtful action followed hurtful action, all summer long, as hard as i tried to ignore it all and distance myself from them, it seemed a never-ending peck at my door. go away! i wanted to shout and scream and tell them exactly where to shove it all. i wanted to tell them they were wrong. i wanted answers, a reason for the hostility towards you, my children, an innocent party. it made no sense to me, and that drove me nuts.

no matter what wonderful blessings were bestowed upon us from our Heavenly Father, it seemed dampened by this nagging hurt and anger. i couldn't be happy for all these great blessings because i was so wrapped up in being offended. i allowed these horrible wrong-doings to take over. i allowed them to control my happiness and have power over me.

and then, i saw this:

and this...

and a light bulb went off. this isn't about me. these two people are hurting and feel the need to hurt. my mind drifted back to grade school. i remembered all the practice i had in forgiving others. i remembered how i pleaded for forgiveness when i realized my own mistakes. i can't beg for forgiveness if i'm not willing to forgive others.

i thought about all the wonderful blessings in my life. i thought about all the people who DO love me, who DO love you. i thought about how i wasn't giving enough thanks to my Heavenly Father for his outpouring.

and suddenly, i was happy. i forgave and the response i received only confirmed that, yes, this person was still struggling. and that's okay. is this person sorry? no. but, that's the challenge of forgiveness. you forgive anyway, and always, as many times as you need to. 

a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. the gloomy rain cloud was swept away. my face broke out into a wide grin, giggles escaping. i had so many things to be happy and thankful for! i wanted to dance and sing and love.

i was free. as hard and challenging and tedious forgiving actually turned out to be, Heavenly Father had somehow prepared me for this moment. by no means was this an easy task or test. but with constant prayer and faith, i can let the negative feelings go and fill the hole with joy and goodness.

there will be people in your life who will hurt you. there will be people who will call you names. forgive them. they are still learning.

there will be people who are not sorry for what they say and do. forgive them anyway, because someday you will need to ask for forgiveness yourself.

most importantly, forgive to free yourself from those negative bonds that these people want to put you in. don't let negative actions become your prison. don't give them power over you.

be happy.

be free.

forgive. always.