a look back as i take a step forward...

i'm thirty-seven weeks measuring at 38. i have a little less than 2 weeks until go time. and the weight scale and i are still not friends.

i remember when i was in kindergarten, staring wide-eyed at the older kids - the middle schoolers, the high schoolers - looking at their thick literature and math textbooks, and thinking they were so smart. i thought to myself, 'how am i ever going to be as smart? i can barely read for crying out loud!' it really was intimidating.

but then, i found that each grade just built upon the last. and yes, in each grade, the content was challenging enough to keep me engaged, yet doable, just as it should be.

i find myself reminiscing about this far away memory as i prepare to have baby number 4. holy smokes! baby number FOUR?! how did this happen, when did the time fly right past me? where did all my babies and their baby chub go? 

when isaiah was just born, i looked at other mothers with their multiple children and thought, "how in the world?" but, as i've taken this long journey through motherhood - all of it's ups and downs, the tears, the joy, the challenges, the triumphs, the mistakes, the lucking out, the eating of humble pie, and the amazing feeling as i look into each of their faces that despite all the ups and downs - that i could not imagine life without them. i never knew i could love another person as much as i love them. and the most amazing part is, this love just seems to grow everyday. another baby? bring it on. ;)

i understand now that motherhood is just a bunch of building blocks. it's a huge relief to know that isaiah and makayah are old enough to help out with housework and baby stuff. the main point...i won't be doing this all by myself. whew.

i could not have come to this point in motherhood without the time that has passed. i will admit, that once upon a time i was a new mom know-it-all. actually, i think it began even before i had kids. oh yes, my kids would be perfect. i handled a classroom full of 3-4 year olds with excellent ease and patience. i got them to listen and obey, i created brilliant lesson plans that, in turn, made my students even more brilliant with happy exclamations and praise from their parents. yes, those 30+ students of mine LOVED me. so, why wouldn't i have perfect children? what's the big deal? pfft, ONE kid, TWO kids, FOUR? piece of cake....c'mon, i was dealing with 30. i took parenting classes and children psychology classes in order to graduate for crying out loud. i knew it all.

or so i thought.

i had an idealized version of labor and birth in my head. didn't happen. i had an idealized version of the mother i was going to be, except that i never planned on being so tired and overwhelmed - or feeling a tad resentful of becoming a milking cow. i never planned on making mistakes, but i did. karma is a bitch. however, the Lord showed pity upon my pitiful self, and felt inclined to pour upon me His tender mercies and blessed me with one of the best friends i've ever had. 

i was a new mom, three or four weeks out (i can't quite remember, it's all such a blur). i was tired and sore, and still recovering. sam and i and our new baby boy went to the ward thanksgiving or christmas dinner (again, a blur). anyhow, isaiah wasn't fussing, but he did want to be held. at the time, i wasn't very familiar with amanda. she had an older child (3) and that's probably why we never hung out...i hadn't yet joined the ranks of motherhood. despite not knowing me, she came and held isaiah for the duration of the meal so i could eat in peace. that small act of kindness meant the world to me and has led to a wonderfully long-lasting friendship between us and our families.

since that ward get-together, she has always been someone to lean on, vent to, ask advice, have lunch and play dates with, and she made me laugh - which is downright essential as a mother. there was never any judgement, only understanding. and as both our families grew, it was nice to turn to someone who knew better than i.

in my ignorant and naive youth, i have made many judgements. the thing i never knew is that at some point, i'd be eating my own words. don't get me wrong, i'm not at all regretful or upset at how this mothering has all been laid out so far. as i look back, i'm grateful things didn't go as i planned. i'm grateful for the challenges, for the mistakes and eventually the fix-ups. i'm grateful because all of these experiences have definitely made me a better mother. i'm more patient, more loving, more aware of how fragile and precious life really is. and because of awesome examples of my fellow mother friends, i am now more understanding and less judgmental.

yes, i still get those judging eyes. but, i shrug my shoulders and laugh it off. i'm not a perfect mother - especially in the eyes of those who have no idea of what my life and kids are like. and that's okay. i'm still learning and i'd like to think that everyone else is still learning, too.

by the way, did i mention i'm soooooooo ready for this baby to come? 

today i am grateful for:

*a healthy baby. he's still measuring big, and though i'm not quite sure what to think about that, i am glad he's growing the way he should.

*excellent friends like amanda.

*ice cream.