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recently, i've been writing a very great many posts. i've tried to keep up with all the memory keeping since isaiah was born. and lately, maybe because of this particular season, i've been writing almost every day.

i used to keep a notebook i started back in college, written to my future children. i wanted to keep a journal of sorts, and i wanted it to be something i wasn't going to be embarrassed about - and actually want my children to read (i still have my middle school and high school journals that i'm going to have to do something about before people get their hands on them).

basically, i write this blog for my children. i write and post photos, and publish this blog for them to gush over, because they really love looking through the past years, and someday soon, they'll be able to actually read it all.

15 years ago, today, my best friend died. my brother aaron and i were only one year apart. we did everything together. we had the same group of friends. we went to elementary, middle school, and high school together. we'd go camping, hiking, fishing, four-wheeling...just, everything. he used to save a seat for me on the bus ride home, and we'd race down the dirt road back home after school. he was the class clown and, it seemed, his constant goal to make me laugh. he did a really great job at making so many people happy, come to think of it.

for the 12 years that i was the lone girl in the family, i didn't mind not having a sister, because i had him. we'd ride bikes together, play tricks on our babysitters, sing cheesy songs from movies we knew. we had a great time, and made some wonderful memories.

of course it tore me apart when i lost him. i know someday i will see him again, but it doesn't lessen the pain of not having him here now. i still wonder how things would be if he were alive. what would he look like? what kind of fun mischief would he be teaching my kids? how many nieces or nephews would i have? what would we be laughing about right now? i'm certain he and sam would be best friends, too.

time seemed to slip my grip without any warning. i didn't know how limited my time with my brother, actually was. i didn't know i should've taken more pictures. i didn't know i should've crammed in more memories. i didn't know i should've stopped him before he went out the door to give him a hug good-bye and tell him i love him and i'll miss him like crazy. i didn't know how precious time was or how easily life slips away from us. it's always someone else, you know? until it's happening to you.

15 years ago, today, something tragically sad happened. something that filled my life with unimaginable pain, sorrow, and despair. and then 5 years ago, by some amazing miracle, my second child was due during christmas time. since i was planning to have a scheduled c-section, we scheduled her birth for the 28th.

this day is not just a day of remembering sorrow and pain. it is no longer a day filled with despair and loss. by the tender mercies of the lord, this day has also become a day to celebrate a new life coming into this world. makayah starley - a brilliant little light to shine away the darkness of sad feelings.

today we bought a sheep. we bought this sheep to kill and eat for a feast - a celebratory feast of two beautiful lives. my crazy and funny aunts and cousins came to fill our house with shrieks of laughter and joke telling...and to butcher and prepare the meat. it was a wild ride getting the food prepared. there were people everywhere i turned. everyone helped out. our stomachs were about to burst from the incredible food and the incessant laughing. it was humbling to feel our families' love on this special day. they gave of their time, energy, and love, and i was thankful beyond words.

i write this blog for my children. i want them to remember the fun times we had as a family. i want them to have the pictures, the stories, the memories all laid out for them. i don't take time for granted the way i used to. i know life is fragile, time is flitting, and somehow i need to make the most of it, to try to carve all these special moments into stone so they are not forgotten - because sometimes, as well as i knew aaron, and as close as we were, i feel like it was all a dream. i am afraid i will forget his face, his voice, that i might not recognize him.

i write this blog so my children will know i cherished every moment with them - that i tried my very best to be a loving mother, that they are the most important parts of my life.

so, as hard and challenging as i feel some days might be - i try to find the positive. i remind myself that things could be worse, and be grateful that they aren't. i remind myself that my children won't always fit in my lap, that someday they won't need my cuddles - and for this reason i need to cherish every second i have with them and make happy and meaningful times they will remember and look back on with fondness. 

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today i am grateful for:

*my children who bring great joy into my life.

*my husband who helped butcher the sheep, and his captivating personality that kept everyone entertained.

*my brother, and best friend, aaron - who is now my guardian angel. it's nice to know there is someone always watching out for me.