the wee little one

today was the dreaded glucose test appointment. nasty orange soda junk? blech. needles, too? blech. the upside to all this yuckiness is that there is an actual baby growing inside my tummy. after three children, this still blows my mind.

last night isaiah asked, "mom, did you know i was going to be a boy before the doctor told you?"

yes. and yes, i knew i'd be having a girl soon after him. i had dreamt of the two when i was in college. i didn't have another dream about any more babies until after makayah was born. this particular dream was about a baby boy. i was sitting on a bench near the reflection pool on temple square with isaiah. there were shooting lights coming from the pool and one of the lights landed upon my lap. it was a baby boy. i looked down and saw the tops of my boys' heads cuddled in my lap - they both were sporting some pretty cool mohawks. maybe that's how i knew it was a baby boy. in any case, i was filled with such a warm fuzzy feeling seeing these two brothers together. one, older and protective, the other small and vulnerable.

makayah was only a year when i found out i was pregnant again. a surprise. at 9 weeks i miscarried. i didn't have my fourth dream until makayah was two. this last time, i dreamed of a baby girl. i was in what looked like a backyard/parking lot. this baby girl had a mess full of curly, black hair and a bright smile. her eyes were happy and brilliant, like black glass and reflected whatever colors were around.

so, naturally, when i did get pregnant again - this time when makayah was three - i was almost positive it would be a boy. the pregnancy was a little confusing because it felt so much like when i was pregnant with makayah. we all were pretty shocked when we found out the results - another girl! of course, we were still thrilled, just really surprised.

this time around, i knew it was a boy. but when anyone would ask, i'd shrug my shoulders and say i had no idea. interestingly enough, i haven't had any dreams since my dream of samiyah. the backyard/parking lot btw, ended up to be the backyard/parking lot we now occupy. ;)

which brings me back to the doctor's appointment and the most recent topic at hand...

sam and i have been going back and forth on whether or not this baby would be our last. on one hand, 

i'd love to see a massive brood of beautiful black eyed, black haired, cookie cutter, blackfoot/oneida/mohawk/navajo babies. the world could use more entertainingly wild and spunky crowfoots. ;)

on the other hand, i am only human. mortal. and despite my own efforts, without super powers. even if i hadn't had three previous c-sections, things can go wrong. unexpected things happen all the time. and with four children, i feel better about not taking that risk.

when i think about it, it sounds really crazy. most ladies at 30 are just starting their families or at least thinking about it...not getting their tubes tied. crazy...30? i still can't believe THAT.

anyhow, i also feel very strongly about my calling in life. i know i need to be helping children in less fortunate situations and i just can't be doing that if i'm constantly a pregnant mess. raising children is hard work, time-consuming, and very involved in every way possible. four kids? yes, i definitely feel confident enough to be a good, happy, and involved mother - and still be able to help kids in need within my community.

i'm not gonna lie, even after all the discussion, praying, and planning out, this decision is still quite daunting. i've talked with my close mother friends who are done with having kids. i had asked questions like, "how do you know?" and "how do you feel about it?" let me just say, i am beyond blessed to have mother friends in my situation or have already passed that stage, who are wiser and more experienced. one of my dear friends said she felt a little sad, but relieved more than anything else.

i can absolutely relate to that. what makes me a little sad (just a little), is knowing that i won't be washing any more teensy tiny clothes. i won't be buying any more cute little booties. i have at least one more year of cuddling a little bitty, sweet smelling baby.

the relief? my diaper changing and buying days are numbered! i will be throwing out (well, more like giving away) ALL maternity clothes. i will never have to wear them again. i'll never have to endure a needle in my back, or recover from another birth. i won't have to ride the loops of emotional pregnancy roller coasters. i can just feel normal. i still remember the first day of the last time i felt truly back to normal - it was just after i had weened makayah from nursing. mak is 5 years old. it's been a while. ;)

there are so many things i am excited about, and the things that i am a little sad about, well, it gives me all the more reason to love and cherish those precious moments.

speaking of precious moments...

let me tell you a bit about this baby boy.

he is the wiggliest baby i've ever had. whenever we talk to him, he'll quickly reply with a kick or punch. he loves getting attention. when it's time to take his heart rate, he swims away from the nurse's contraptions - which isn't very far, and they can eventually catch him long enough to get a number. he wiggles in the morning, he wiggles after i eat, when it's time for me to go to bed, and all in between. i am honestly thrilled for the possibility of a very active and rambunctious baby boy. and if this pattern we have continues, he'll be the boy version of makayah, just like samiyah has thus far proven to be the girl version of isaiah. i love it.

my doctor measured, and said i was measuring farther along. she also predicted a large baby. even with running a mile a week, at 26 weeks, i am exactly the same size i was when i delivered samiyah - who was my smallest at 7.12 lbs. yeah, i think it's safe to say this baby boy is going to be bigger. and i am just fine with that.